| Miss Earth: Green goddesses (in glittering gowns) | | Print | |
 Everyone in green land has been trying to get me excited about the 2009 Miss Earth beauty pageant. Well, I tried, guys, but I just don't get it. Am I a spoilsport? What does a swimsuit competition have to do with saving the planet? Oh I see. Sometimes while in swimsuits, contestants hold up placards encouraging us to recycle, buy organic, etc. Perhaps we're more likely to take heed when the green message is delivered with a naughty pout, a saucy saunter and plenty of exposed flesh?
 Speaking of flesh, it seems several contestants (despite being green) aren't really into the natural look. Perhaps the placard should read 'Support people made out of indigenous materials', rather than 'products'. After all, silicone doesn't really come as standard with a human body, though implants are renewable, I suppose (as Katie Price finds every year or two) so long as you're willing to shell out a few thou and go under the knife again.
 So how does the Miss Earth competition work? Each year, 80 to 90 candidates from around the world fly (come on, did you really expect them to catch the train?) to some exotic locale and compete on knowledge of environmental issues and err... beauty. They don't prepare simply by expanding their fake tan and waxing regimens; they also take part in eco-related projects such as environmental awareness campaigns, litter collection and tree planting.
You may be thinking I'm just an envious and bitter old bat, but my philosophical objection to beauty pageants was forged long ago in the crucible of the Miss America (and Little Miss America) pageants. Lord no, I wasn't a contestant, just the accompanist for several (ill-fated) wannabee beauty queens in the local heats. One was named Happiness but believe me, she wasn't smiling when another seven-year-old won. In fact, she was sobbing hysterically, as were the 10 other little losers.
Excuse me for expecting better from the green movement. I thought it was about humanity and yes, feminism, at least as that relates to helping exploited and disadvantaged women worldwide have a fairer shake at natural resources, equality and liberty.
Of course, liberty means freedom to choose, so if you'd like to compete in the 2010 Miss Earth competition in the UK, and you're green, glam and of course, gorgeous be my guest. If you don't 'qualify' but still long for a sash, you might have to specialise a bit. A friend of mine was Mr Deaf Gay Leather Miami, so I'm sure there's a title out there for you – and for me. This month I quite fancy
If there's a talent segment, I'll be singing Ani DiFranco's Not a pretty girl:
I am not a pretty girl That's not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distress And I don't need to be rescued So put me down punk Wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair Isn't there a kitten Stuck up a tree somewhere?... And what if there are
No damsels in distress? What if I knew that And I called your bluff? Don't you think every kitten Figures out how to get down Whether or not you ever show up As Ms DiFranco says, "I have earned my disillusionment". 
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